You Wanting A Sign Is A Sign

As a creative person in a non-creative career path, I have so many moments feeling lost and out-of-place. I sit at my desk, doing the same mundane task that defines my job title, and I imagine all of the amazing creative projects I could be doing. I imagine being consumed by creative energy and ideas, contributing and creating all day! This 9-5 job just feels like a waste of time and skill.

I often look at myself and reflect on why I’m not doing more in my spare time. If I wanted to do this so much, wouldn’t I commit to doing it all in my spare time? It’s a notion that has stuck with me since childhood.

When I was young - around 8 years old - I saw an ad in the school newspaper about choir lessons for young kids. I asked my parents to take me to an audition, and we found out that I got in. Looking back I’m sure every kid got in, but it was exciting to know that I would soon be learning to sing and make new friends along the way.

After one lesson, my parents pulled me out of the class. I was upset and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t continue going. I remember asking my Dad why I wasn’t allowed to and on the spot he said in a booming voice ‘Sing then! Sing something’. I was an extremely shy kid and although I loved to sing, I hated the notion of someone judging me on it. I froze in the moment and shook my head.

Dad replied, dismissive of my attempt to explain, “Kelly, if you were a singer you would be doing it already!” and stormed off. Perhaps it was an off day for him, or he felt that the choir wasn’t a good idea for me, but that one off-the-cuff comment has echoed throughout my life.

Imagine telling an eight year old that if they weren’t doing it already, then it was essentially too late to get up and try. That everlasting dread of hopelessness - like I will never amount to being the person I want to be - sinks in anytime I think to try anything new, and a play-by-play of that small comment creeps in to make me doubt myself.

Maybe if I really wanted to do this, than I would have already been doing it?

The problem with this little theory, is that it doesn’t allow for anyone to grow - not in the creative arts, or any subject matter. If it is supposed to apply to an 8-year-old developing a love for singing, than how does it not relate to a progressing education? It’s beyond teaching an old dog new tricks - it says ‘You’re willingness to learn is pointless’ which is damaging, quite frankly.

I often think about what would have happened if my parents did get me singing lessons. By all means, I don’t think I would have become a professional singer, but I imagine the confidence I found much later in life from performing would have blossomed a lot earlier. It may have helped me socially and help me to find a place outside of my own world that felt comfortable. It might also have avoided the doubt, anxiety and panic that surrounds me now with putting myself out there on a new skill.

Every time that phrase enters my head, I tell myself that I am brave. I will try new things, I will develop new skills and that it is never too late. A little self-pep talk if you will.

Recently I saw a little art piece on Pinterest that read ‘You wanting a sign, is a sign’, and it completely resonated with me. If I am looking for an excuse, I obviously want it already. A ‘sign’ is just the easy decision maker.

Now, I just need to figure out how to get started.